Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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