I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
