I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
