A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
