Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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