We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
