I was born with a shot glass in my hand
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
