What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
