if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
