Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I supernannyed him into submission
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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