I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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