Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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