Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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