That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
