you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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