Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
