I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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