You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
