eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
