she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
false alarm. still invincible.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
