Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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