just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
