woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
