According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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