I'm so fucking centered right now
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
