Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
