just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
