I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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