Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
