I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
