Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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