i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
