hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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