can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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