They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
