My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it was like eating out sand paper
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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