I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
