I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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