my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
