It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
