You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
