We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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