Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
