bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
