Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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