Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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