using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
