I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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