Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
