I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
