don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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